Valentines Day Memories
by tooloudturnitdown
Summary: Carter is trying to deal with the anniversary of Lucy's death. Trying to take out all his anger and guilt on himself by self-mutilation. Remember it's PG13!!!
1. Reminiscing

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters (although I do in my mind)  
Author's note: Hi this is Night Sparkle and this is my first fanfic. Well technically this is   
messYjessY's fanfic I'm just taking over after the first chapter.  
Rating: PG-13. It contains thought of suicide and self-mutilation  
Please review and let me know if I should continue.  
  
  
Dave-Is Carter coming in tonight?  
Kerry-Yeah, why?  
Dave-Well it's been a year.  
Kerry-Wow Mallucci, you're actually being thoughtful? Well yes, I know but we are ALL going   
to keep an eye on him.  
******************************************************************************  
Carter-We are slow today, I'm going to Doc Magoo's, I'll be back in 5 minutes  
Abby-Need some company?  
Carter-No. (He walks out)  
Kerry-Maybe you should go  
Abby-Carter is a grown man, he will be fine. He IS fine, if he doesn't want my company I wont  
give it to him.  
Kerry-GO!  
******************************************************************************   
(Abby found him, after much searching, sitting on the roof of the hospital in a dark corner. He was staring blankly at nothing. She sat down next to him. He didn't react to this)  
Abby-I guess you're not at Doc Magoo's  
Carter- Does it look like I am? (drinking the 4th can out of the 6 pack of beer)  
Abby-How many is that?  
Carter- Huh?  
Abby-Give me the beer.  
Carter-No! Leave me the hell alone.  
Abby-Fine (walking away)  
Carter-Abby? (She stops and turns around) I'm not drunk  
Abby-Ok (in a very sad and doubting look. Walks back into the hospital.)  
******************************************************************************  
Benton- Where's Carter?  
Greene-Doc Magoo's  
Benton-You let him go alone?  
Greene-Abby went to check to see if he is ok. He already has a mother  
Peter.  
Benton- (mumbling) She doesn't do a very good job at it. (Carter walks in) Hey man! How ya  
doing?  
Carter- Ok. (looks at the board) no patients? Gosh, were we this slow last year? (pauses) Don't  
answer that. I'm going to sleep, wake me when you need me. (He was so tired that he didn't realize that he fell asleep in the same room that he is been terrified of for the past year)  
*****************************************************************************  
(Around 11:56 p.m., Carter started screaming from a nightmare he having. He woke up to a pitch-black room, and this brought back the memories, flashbacks and the pain.)  
Benton: (comes into the room to a crying and sweating Carter) whoa man, you ok?  
Carter- Yeah. Yeah, I'll be fine. (He walked out of the room hoping to find something to ease the pain, mentally and physically...)  
*****************************************************************************  
(Carter kept walking around the hospital not knowing where to go. He stopped in front of an empty operating room. The hallway was empty and he figured Benton had left him alone for good. He was still shaking from the dream and he slid into the room. Carter walked around the dark room not sure what he was looking for, but then he saw something shine. It seemed to call out to him. Carter moved to it and saw an army knife lying on the table).  
Carter: (Thinking) The nurses must have forgotten it or it's from a patient.  
(It was a small knife not bigger than his hand. He closed it up and put it in his pocket. He walked out of the room and went to the doctor's lounge.)  
Carter: Good thing it's empty   
(He closed the door and put the couch in front of it. No one has ever locked the lounge. Ever. He pulled out the knife and stared at it. Carter slowly rolled up his sleeve. Trying to do it neatly for some reason. Carter began to cut his skin. He saw as blood started to seep out slowly, slowly realizing his pain, slowly relaxing him. He closed the knife and put it in his pocket. He put the couch back to its original position. He went to the sink and washed his wound. He looked on the table and saw a roll of bandages. He rolled up his wound, rolled his sleeve back down, and sat on the couch. He felt so relaxed and calm. He slowly fell asleep, not knowing that someone was beginning to open the door, the bandages weren't soaking up all the blood and his jacket was beginning to show a red stain that kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger...)  
  
  
Coming soon, Chapter 2...  
  
  
  
  



	2. Locked In

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to write the second chap. I usually don't take this long.  
Spoilers: If you don't know Lucy is dead by now you have/are A.)Been in another country, B.) Completely new to ER, or C.) Not paying attention or new to the fanfics here. Otherwise please leave the ER section with head down. By the way, I'm not a doctor so I tried to avoid the medical stuff as much as possible. Thanks for the support doctah milly and MessYjessY.   
  
Chapter 2: Locked In  
  
Carter woke up in the doctor's lounge. He looked around and felt a burning sensation on his arm. He looked down and saw the stain. The red stain reminding him what he did. What he couldn't even remember clearly why he did it. All he knew was he felt good. Good to finally have released all the emotions that Valentines Day brought to him. That's when he finally noticed the door beginning to open. He immediately began to panic. What if someone saw the stain?! What would they do, send him to psych?! He stood up but all the blood rushed to his head causing him to sit back down. The door stopped opening and closed. He couldn't take another risk like that. He looked at his watch and saw his shift was over, finally. He took of his white coat. He opened his locker and took out his jacket. He rolled up the white coat and stuffed it inside his jacket. He closed his locker, signed out, told Randi he was leaving, (as if she heard him,) and went to his jeep. He threw his jacket in the car and drove off. He would clean it at the house. He felt a wave of dizziness take over him. He pulled over and stopped for awhile. His arm began to throb and he took off his jacket. The bandage seemed to not be working. He would have to find peroxide to stop the bleeding. His head now throbbed. He started his car again and drove slowly home. He seemed to be in a trance when he arrived home. First he put the peroxide on his wound then washed his jacket. He avoided his grandmother and changed to other clothes. He tried to stay awake. He didn't trust himself. He wanted to keep an eye out for him. He heard the washing machine beep and he got up. The blood hadn't washed out completely. It looked orange. He went to the bathroom with the moist jacket and he grabbed some soap. Carter turned on hot water. He rubbed at the stain, kept rubbing and rubbing. He wanted the stain to leave. It reminded him of too many bad things. He kept furiously rubbing. Then began to cry. He stopped and began to cry. He sat on the floor holding the soap in one hand and the jacket in the other. He put his arms around his knees and he put his head down. Like a small, fragile, abused child he cried. He hated himself. Trying to keep some composure he took a deep breath and got up. He went back to cleaning the satin. After he finally got it off he went back to the wash room and put it in the dryer. Carter went to the bedroom to try to sleep. Try.  
  
The next day after a sleepless night, he went down stairs to eat. His grandmother was there. She was looking at him a bit suspiciously.  
"John, your jacket's dry," she said.  
"What?" he asked.  
"Your jacket. It was in the dryer."  
"Oh right."   
"It's in your bedroom. On your chair."  
"Thank you gamma."  
"Are you hungry?"  
"No thanks. I have to head to the ER today."  
"I thought you were off today."  
"Yeah, but I have a feeling today is going to be busy."  
"All right John. If you say so. You look tired."  
"I'm not." He lied. "I better start getting ready."  
With that he walked off to change and hoping maybe he would have something to do in the ER. He changed as quickly as possible and stepped back down stairs. He had the jacket in one of his hands. His sports bag was in the jeep. He rubbed at his eyes to try to not doze off. He was up for twelve hours. When he almost fell asleep his alarm went off and he noticed the sun came up. There was no point sleeping now, if he slept now his grandmother would know something was wrong. Carter kissed his grandmother goodbye and he went to his jeep. He put his jacket in the back and got in the car. He drove to the hospital. On the way he was too involved in his thoughts. Carter just drove but didn't think about what was happening. Carter saw Doc Magoo's and that's when he noticed he was about to drive head on into a van...  
  
  
Chapter 3 Coming Soon...  
  



	3. Blood Smeared

A/N: Don't get mad at me. I apologize for the last comment to the people who don't know Lucy is dead. So before I get flamed this is an *gulp* apology. (Apologizing is so hard!!!) Anyway, read on!  
  
Chapter 3: Blood Smeared  
  
Carter swerved out of the way just in time but almost lost control and slammed into another car. The other car slammed on its breaks in time and missed his car. Carter's wheels smoked as his foot hit the breaks too. The other driver got out of her car to see if he was all right. She went to the front of Carter's car and saw the windshield was smashed and had some blood. Panicking, she went to open the driver's door. She saw a man leaning against the steering wheel. His eyes seemed barely open.   
"Sir! Are you all right? Please say something!" she kept yelling at him so he would stay conscious. She easily pushed him to lean back on the seat, and then dragged him out of the jeep.  
"Lucy?" Carter barely whispered but she didn't hear him. He immediately passed out. Many people were gathering around the scene. She yelled for someone to help her get Carter across the street. The man in the car that Carter was originally going to hit came to help her. With the help of some bystanders they got him to county hospital. Luka was the first to attend to them. He didn't notice it was Carter from the blood that was seeping from Carter's forehead and unto his face. Luka got the man an empty bed. All of the people managed to Carter on it. He immediately began cleaning Carter's wound.   
"The injuries don't look that bad," Luka told them. "May be a concussion but I don't think it's a huge possibility. Once this man regains consciousness we'll just stitch him up." The man and the woman were both relieved. Luka asked for an explanation of what happened.   
"Unless you want to file charges or get insurance information you people are pretty much done here." Luka told them. Neither of them wanted to do any of that. Their cars weren't damaged but decided to stay there in case the other man wanted to file charges against them or get insurance. They parked their cars in the parking lot of the hospital and came back to wait in the horrible little waiting room.  
Luka was shocked, surprised and scared to see that the man with a cut was Carter. Now Luka wasn't as confident as he was when he told the people nothing could be seriously wrong. He thought the worst possible things why Carter had been in the car accident but tried to discard them. He wasn't sure if he should tell Abby, they were already close enough. He scolded himself for thinking this way but couldn't stop feeling jealousy. Carter began to stir...  
***********************************************************************  
Carter saw the car in front of him and tried to swerve out of the way. That only caused more trouble. Now he would hit another car on his right. He heard the other driver's breaks screech. He hit his breaks but hit them too hard. He flung forward, straight into the windshield. He had hit his breaks hard, but not enough so he would go flying through the window. He managed to break it a bit and he saw some blood. Carter quickly became tired. He felt weak. Carter thought he saw his door open. He heard a woman yelling at him but wasn't sure. He felt a force push him backward, against the seat turned he moved his eyes to the side in hope that he would see who it was. When he saw her he didn't believe it but there she was, Lucy! Her blond hair and blue eyes were just how he remembered. He couldn't clearly see her face because it kept becoming unfocused. He didn't want to leave her but sleep kept tugging at the back of his mind.   
"Lucy?" he whispered but passed out before he could hear an answer.   
  
  
(Coming soon Chapter 4)  



	4. 

A/N: I hope this story isn't dragging on and on... E-mail comments at wildjunglebeast@aol.com  
  
Chapter 4: Bits and Pieces  
  
Carter began to stir slowly in his bed.   
"Carter?" a voice said. It sounded like a man's voice.  
"Carter are you awake?" the same voice kept repeating itself. He had no idea what was going on. What he doing there, who was talking to him and who in the heck, was Carter? He decided to open his eyes, maybe then the voice would leave him alone, but then being as stubborn as he was decided not to.  
"Carter?" Now he thought the voice sounded familiar, like a person he knew from a long time ago. He remembered a woman, with blue eyes and long beautiful blonde hair.  
"Please say something" a woman's voice.  
"Lucy?"  
"No Carter, its Abby."  
"Abby? I don't know an Abby"  
"Open your eyes Carter!" the man's voice commanded him.  
"Who in THE HELL IS CARTER?!!!" he yelled loudly. He opened his eyes angrily to see who kept saying that name. He saw a tall man and a short woman.   
"Do you know who you are?" the man asked him.  
"Are you Lu- Luka?" he asked the man, not sure where he got that name from. Bits and pieces were coming together; he wasn't sure what would be the solution though.  
"Yes that's right, do you know who you are?"  
"And Abby..." he looked at her.  
"Hi" she said warmly with a smile.  
"I- I'm..."  
"Go on" Luka told him.  
"I'm..." he began to recall different events with those two names. The memories flooded his mind quickly he didn't know what to feel or do. "Oh God." He said almost crying. Abby got closer to him and tried to calm him down. "I remember everything, I remember everything." Carter kept mumbling. He was shaking and rocking back and forth. "I'm sorry Abby and Luka. Does Benton or Kerry know I'm here?"  
"No, do you know who you are?" Luka told him, smiling. Glad that Carter was back.  
"How long have I've been unconscious?" Carter asked.  
"I would say for a good half an hour. Do you know who you are?"  
"Carter."  
"Your full name."  
He sighed. "John Truman Carter the third."  
"Good."  
Carter felt something sticky on his forehead. He went up to touch it but Abby stopped him.   
"Luka has to stitch it up."  
"I have all the things right here Carter now just bare with me." Luka told him with his thick accent. Luka immediately went to work.   
"We thought it would be best if we waited until you woke up."  
"You haven't called my grandmother have you?"  
"No, unless you want us to."  
"There are some people waiting for you in the waiting room. They were in the car accident with you."  
"I was in a car accident? Well, do they want to press charges?"  
"Actually they're waiting to see if you want to press charges on them. They couldn't sue you. You were lucky you crashed into them. The police are here also."  
"Well I don't. Can you tell them that for me? I want to rest."  
"Sure we will" Abby told him, before Carter could see Luka's face change in protest. Abby made her way toward the door.  
"Wait!" Abby looked at Carter. "What am I doing in the hospital in the first place?!"  
Abby laughed.  
"Okay, you were in a car accident and you hit your head on the window. A couple of people brought you by and we were afraid you might a concussion, but you appear to be all right."  
"Ouch!" Carter cried.  
"Sorry Carter," Luka apologized. "I'm almost done...There!"  
"Thanks"  
"Be back" Abby said and left. Carter's face fell.  
"What's wrong?"  
"Nothing." Carter felt worse than he did yesterday. Carter looked away from Luka. "I'm just tired"  
"All right get you a room for you to rest, but just for tonight."  
"Thanks Luka." Carter got up. He still had his clothes on. He reached into his pocket and felt assurance quickly. It was the pocketknife. On the way out he had put it in his pants. Luka stepped out of the room. Carter immediately locked the door, moved the curtain to hide his bed. Carter sat on the bed and pulled put the knife. He rolled up his sleeve and moved the blade up his skin. Anger began to build up and he slashed himself three or four times on his left arm. He was breathing heavily and felt an addiction. He held up the bloody knife and looked at his reflection through the blood. Bits and Pieces of painful memories were in the blood that was smeared on the knife. Painful memories that still haunted him. He pressed the knife against his skin one more time...  
  
  
Chapter 4 coming ASAP... Please review   



	5. Like Home

A/N: Not sure when this story will finish. Should I finish it soon? I don't know. *Shrugs* Oh well. Enjoy the rest of the story!  
On a very serious note: If any of my readers out there do anything like this or think about doing it seek help or just plain E-mail me. End of serious note. Very short chapter.  
  
Chapter 5: Like Home  
  
It had been days since the car accident. Carter knew, yet didn't, that he was falling slowly. Falling slowly into darkness and into his mind. He had asked Kerry for a few "personal" days. She didn't object, maybe she knew about what happened or was for once compassionate and didn't feel like knowing why, probably not though... He had left home. Told his gamma that he needed a vacation, he was stressed because of "work". He was now driving in his now fixed truck. Maybe being by himself would make him feel better. The road was completely empty and he just looked at the forest on both sides of him. He was happy he had rented a cabin all to himself. He had in the cabin a fireplace, a bedroom, a kitchen, two guestrooms and a living/dining room. He saw the cabin coming into view through the lush forestry.   
  
'Now I can relax' he thought to himself. 'Unless I-. No, no I can't think about that!' He was angry with himself and felt horrible. Can't he get this over with and just kill himself? Waking up everyday, dread and horror filling him. Never being able to feel happiness? What was left to live for anyway? Who would want to help him? Everyone was probably annoyed with him by now. Thinking he only wanted attention. He wanted something. He wasn't sure but he felt lost and angry.  
  
He stopped in front of his cabin and began to unpack everything from his car. At least no one knew that he was at the cabin, well except for his grandmother. He carried his one suitcase and his two gym bags to the cabin. When he stepped in side he felt alone. It was huge. His grandmother wouldn't let him go to a hotel room, it wasn't good enough he guessed. He soaked in each room and admired the view but then went to lie down on the couch. He was bored to tears.   
  
All he did was turn on the TV, just like home, walked around getting food from the fridge, just like home, and falling in and out of sleep, just like at home. After all the infomercials were over and the TV station shut down for the night and showed those annoying colored stripes he went to his room. He was on his back looking at his ceiling. It was made out of wood so it wasn't interesting. He looked at his clock. It read '3:55'.   
  
"That's great! I left home to be somewhere different." He laughed at himself, cruelly. " Well I left somewhere different but my habits are the same." He went to the kitchen and prepared some food. He took his sandwich to the TV room and put on two movies. He laughed a bit during the movies. He hadn't honestly laughed in a long time. It was sort of a relief actually.   
  
When the movies finished he went to his room again. He thought of why he was there and grew angry. He went room to room pulling down the blinds and blocking off any window he saw. The entire cabin was dark and he liked it that way. He went to the bedroom and fell asleep. Of course it wasn't peaceful. The clock read 8:14.   
  
///////////////////////////  
  
"Kerry, where's Carter? I don't see his name on the board anywhere." Abby asked Kerry back at the ER.  
  
"I let him take a few days off. Why?"  
  
"No reason." Abby's worry grew instantly. There was some bad feeling she was getting in the pit of her stomach but maybe it wasn't Carter. She went on with her day, planning to call Carter's house just to make sure.  
  
///////////////////////////  
  
Carter sat up, sweat on his forehead.  
  
"Another fucking nightmare. What am I ten?" He got up and went walking from room to room. "I can't take this anymore, I can't." He kept mumbling to himself.   
  
In his gym bag he found the pocketknife. He let himself bleed even more than usual. He grew angry that he was so weak he had to resort to this. He kept slashing the knife aggressively across his arms. He threw the knife across the room. His arms were covered in blood. It wasn't completely curing his suffering like it once had.  
  
"What the FUCK is wrong with me! Will someone tell me what's going on in my head!?" No answer. He stood up.  
  
He yelled and trashed anything he could get his hands on. All the rooms turned into a mess. The bed was turned over, mirrors broken, tables turned, anything had not undergone his wrath. He went back to the room, now a war zone, and headed for the bathroom. The supply was scarce. He pulled out some Nyquil, a box of sleeping pills, aspirin and Dayquil. He opened the box but there was only two. The Nyquil and Dayquil were close to being empty. Aspirin was almost empty also. He swallowed the two sleeping pills; the four pills of aspirin and in four gulps finished both bottles. All he had to do was wait. He trudged on to the kitchen. After searching through the shelves he opened the refrigerator. Nothing good left to eat in the entire house. Only leftovers. His head became light headed. His vision was hazy but that was the least of his worries. His legs were becoming weak and he collapsed unconscious.   
  
//////////////////////////  
  
"Good evening, is Carter there by any chance?" Abby called his house.  
  
"No I'm sorry. He left, but would you like to leave a message?"  
  
"Would you happen to know where he left? It's very important I talk to him." She lied, partially.  
  
"Yes, hold on one moment while I get you the directions." After a few minutes his grandmother came on the phone. "Do you have a pen and paper?"  
  
"Yes I do." Abby wrote down, carefully all the directions. She hung up the phone. She wouldn't be able to see him until the next day. She was working until night. She would drive in the dark if she had to. Her feeling wouldn't go away.  
  
Finally, she never thought he shift would be over. She wasn't expected there two days from now. She got in her car and just drove to the cabin. She was exhausted but the cabin wasn't that far, maybe an hour or two. She arrived, looking at her directions and the road. She was amazed at the size of the cabin, but immediately discarded her amazement; he was a Carter after all. She stepped out and knocked on the door. He was probably asleep. She looked at watch.  
  
"2:45. It's very late. He's probably sleeping or something." She knocked again. Her feeling was growing. She opened the door slightly and saw the cabin a mess. She opened the door all the way and gasped. The entire cabin was in pieces as if a burglar had broken in.   
  
"Carter! Carter, are you in here? Are you all right?" She went from the living room to the kitchen. "Carter!" She ran to his side. He was unconscious in front of the refrigerator. Everything in there was also in pieces. On his arms were red marks that were covered in dried blood. BOTH his arms were covered in blood. She dragged him away from the cold as much as she could. She put her fingers to his neck. He was freezing! But he had a pulse. She went to the bedroom, she guessed, and carried with her as many blankets as possible. She covered him up and started a fire in the fireplace. She then dragged him close to the heat and covered him again. All she could do was watch him. His breathing was very shallow and light. Constantly she had to make sure he was alive. She tried to clean up the rooms but they were too trashed. After she did all she could she checked on Carter. His breathing became silent. He stopped breathing! She ran and began CPR.   
  
"Don't die Carter! Not now!" She kept breathing for him but nothing worked. She took a pulse. I was almost gone! He was going to die! He was going to die and there was nothing else she could do!  
  
  
  
  
Told you guys it was short. Sorry, everyone but I'm planning to end it soon. I don't have much inspiration for it anymore, but maybe a few reviews might make me change my mind though...  



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